Back from the Dead

I was searching through my old blog posts for a picture from years ago. As I quickly scanned through, I stopped briefly on a few posts and was amazed at how few details I could remember from different events or blog posts. Many of them were seemingly small moments in time. Unimportant. Trivial. Yet at the same time, they were memories and thoughts that I would never recall otherwise. I've had thoughts of guilt that I haven't kept up with my blogging. Guilt over the expectations I had for myself as a parent to record my children's lives. I started out strong with Owen, continued some with Elsie and have failed miserably with Hazel. Yet it's not the guilt that is bringing me back. It's the feeling of finality. Of our feeble, temporal, imperfect minds that cannot hold everything in. The big events, I hope I will always remember. But it's those day to day moments - the seemingly mundane - that are the collection of your life, that will easily be forgotten if they aren't recorded. So I'm reviving this blog and coming back from the dead. I'm planning on starting from today. If I get a moment to go back and want to, I may. But I can't allow the unwritten past to overwhelm me from today. Hopefully my shiny new computer will motivate me as well. Nothing better than blogging from bed, right? ;)

My preeeeeeciouuuussssss.....

Pampered

I have been incredibly pampered over the last week and a half. The first pampering happened last week when Miles and I went car shopping (for what felt like the 100th time...although it was a lot less). We went to a Honda dealership (the third one in about a week) in Salt Lake and talked to them for hours about purchasing a minivan. Long story short...we walked away with this beautiful 2015, smokey topaz, Honda Odyssey. I never imagined I would buy new. But after all the searching we did, we discovered that they really do retain their value well and don't depreciate much over the coarse of 1-5 years. Plus, the dealerships are offering some large discounts on new cars, likely to get the 2015s out of their stock and prepare for the 2016s. Anyway...I don't feel too badly about it. I imagine we will have this for quite a while and make it worth our while.

As much as I rag on minivans, I'm actually pretty darn excited about it. It has so many cool "bells and whistles" that will make my life ridiculously easier. Automatic sliding doors (openable by pulling the handle, pressing a button on the key fob, or pushing a button from the driver's seat), automatic hatch, keyless entry and engine start, a camera for blind spot check on the right side, easy access to the back row (Owen can easily move the seats, which is awesome), blue tooth calling capabilities, a mini "fridge" in the console, leather seats (easier to clean), and on and on. In case you can't tell, I might be in love. So, a big thank you to my husband for "buying" his wife not one, not two, but THREE children AND a hot new ride to accommodate all these little rug rats.

The next pampering happened a few days later when my friend, Kelly, put together a little "pampering party" on my behalf. I didn't want any gifts at all (let's be honest...this baby girl will have everything and more with the many hand-me-downs from Elsie), but she insisted on allowing people to bring a gift to "pamper" me. We met up at Bake 360 in Draper. They sell delicious pastries, but now that I've had food from their newly opened cafe, I might be even more in love with their savory offerings! (For the record, I ordered the Croque Madam and it did not disappoint!)

These lovely ladies from my ward/neighborhood brought me some very thoughtful and sweet gifts.

Left to right: Me, Ronnie Hurless, Lindsay Adams, Jen Ard, Melissa Owens, Kelly Dyches (with baby Elise), and Natalie Dobbin.

Unfortunately, not everyone could come. So this is just a fraction of the amazing women I am surrounded by. Sometimes Miles talks about moving. I think he has that itch in him since he moved a lot as a youth. But when I think of these women and how incredible they are, I can't bring myself to even consider it. They are my village.

Numero Tres: 37 weeks

I almost killed myself this last week. Ok, I'm being dramatic. I took the kids to the Herriman Reservoir for a play date with my friend, Desiree and her twin girls. The kids had some large cylindrical water shooters. Owen apparently was swimming with his and didn't bring it all the way back to the shore. As he was sitting on my lap, we look out and see it drifting "out to sea." I sighed and said, "Well, I better go get it before it gets further away." Des asked if I was ok to do that. I said, "Yeah. Sure." She said, "I'm just not a confident swimmer." I said, "Oh yeah, I was on a swim team. No biggie," and headed out into the water.

About 10-20 breaststrokes out into the water I realized I had severely underestimated my abilities to breathe. Swimming skill? Check. Buoyancy? Check. Oxygen intake? System failure. I flipped to my back to give myself a break. I started to freak out a little when I realized I was not catching my breath and was still panting fairly hard. My only saving grace was that there were some paramedics in motor boats doing some trainings or something and I figured if I was going down, they were only out about 100 yards or so. I did think to myself, "What are you doing? This dumb $5 squirt gun is not worth this." But I was close, so I reached out to grab it, flipped back to my back and did a slow kick most of the way back to shore. I was dizzy and nauseated when I got back. Yeah...not my smartest move. Gratefully, Des was also ready to do some screaming for the paramedics should I go under. :) I'm realizing that my body is telling me I am less capable than my mind believes.

I might as well include some cute pictures of the kids the day I almost died. ;)

Elsie made me a "birthday cake," sang Happy Birthday to me, and had me blow out the candles. It was adorable.

This week at the doctor's office was fairly uneventful. I remain at a 1 cm dilated and about 80% effacement. I honestly don't every expect anything. I think I'd be totally surprised if it were any different. But I also don't put a lot of stock in that. With both of my kids, my water has  broken early (8 days with Owen and 10 with Elsie) and I was still at 1 cm by the time I got to the hospital hours later. So...meh. I did find out that I am negative for Group B strep. I'm really happy about that. Now I won't feel the need to rush to the hospital and get hooked up to an IV first thing after I arrive. Yay! I am having a lot more Braxton hicks contractions these days. Nothing major, but I hope it's a sign of things to come...sooner rather than later. ;)

Numero Tres: 36 weeks

The week leading up to this appointment was rough. I only got in one actual workout, but was happy to pass on the rest of the week. Although, in all fairness, I was very busy all week playing with my sister, Kim, and nephew, Austin, while they were in town. I also feel like six hours of walking, standing and climbing at the Museum of Natural Curiosity, and a fun-packed day at Seven Peaks count as some form of exercise. ;) But that's neither here nor there. What I DO know, is that last week kicked my butt and I was feeling it. I've been feeling pretty good during this pregnancy. Capable, strong, fairly energetic, etc. But the end has hit me...HARD. I feel slow, sluggish, big, tired, sore, and a myriad of pains I'd rather not feel.

I'm also sleeping rather horribly. I toss and turn (as well as a woman with a very large, pregnant belly can do) all night. I think my bad sleep affects Miles' sleep and in turn, his bad sleep affects mine. It's a pretty vicious cycle and ain't nobody happy about it. A couple nights ago, I woke up and had to make one of my many trips to the bathroom. I was facing away from the outside of the bed. I went to turn over and get up, but having almost zero core strength, it was far more difficult than I anticipated and I groaned loudly and said, "Oh gosh!" I sheepishly thought that I had probably woken Miles and I can't even get out of bed without it being a big to-do. The next night I woke with a hideous charlie horse in my calf. I get them a lot, but I usually just quickly flex my foot and it goes away. This time it did NOT help one bit. My leg seized up and I sat up (far faster than I thought I was capable) moaning and saying, "Ow! Ow! Ow!" Miles was kind to ask if I was ok and rubbed my back. It eventually went away, but once again...sleep ruined. Not to mention, in the morning my calf was sore for about half the day from all the spasming. I'll say this...even for someone who has a relatively "easy" and "comfortable" and even "enjoyable" pregnancy...it is still filled with its own set of difficulties.

I told my doctor about some sharp pains in my right hip and also the occasional debilitating pains in my groin area where my leg and body attach. Answer: Round ligament pain. Woot. Baby is growing and there's lots of extra pressure as well as the relaxin being produced and preparing my body for labor. The good news about all of this is that I am getting closer. It's funny because when I was 35 weeks, I felt like I was still a long ways away. But for some reason 36 has felt a LOT closer. The end is finally in sight.

This was my first cervical check too. Nothing exciting. I think she said something about being 70% effaced and maybe dilated to 1cm. I forgot how totally enjoyable those checks are. (Sarcasm.) When she was checking to see if baby girl was head down I thought I might actually go into labor. Sheesh. Oh, and she couldn't say 100% that she was head down. Although with all the hiccups I feel low, I'm guessing yes. Oh, and she also did the Group B Strep test. I'm praying it comes back negative. I was positive with Elsie and it was such a pain to have to deal with the antibiotics while in labor. I guess I'll wait until I get the results to worry about it.

Numero Tres: 30 weeks

Nothing super exciting this round. I did ask Dr. Savage about some pain I get when I push on the upper right side of my abdomen. I also feel it when the baby is there and I push against her, or if I get a nice elbow from Owen or Elsie when they're sitting on my lap. She said that it is probably some torn stomach muscles that are tender. Unfortunately, since my belly will just keep growing and stretching, it won't go away. I just chalk it up to one more lovely side effect of pregnancy. I'm grateful it doesn't bother me all the time. Truly, this pregnancy has been FAR better than my last.

That being said, the heat has started to pick up here in Utah. I would feel totally ungrateful if I didn't first say how totally and completely blessed we have been with a LONG spring, a lot of rain, and mild weather. It has been beautiful. In all honesty, I haven't taken it for granted. Every single time we have another 70-80 degree day I say prayers of thanks. But I knew it would catch up to us eventually. And here it is. High 80's creeping to the 90s with sights of 100 up ahead. NOOOOOO!!! So all I've wanted to do is lounge around and be extra comfy. So here I am...in a muumuu. It doesn't get much more comfortable or light and airy than that!

Numero Tres: 27 weeks

The week of the glucose test! Eek! Ok, it's not really that bad, but it's not great either. Prior to my appointment, I asked if I could bring the drink home with me so I wouldn't have to sit around the doctor's office for an hour. They said it was fine so long as I arrived a little early.

Here I am, downing my drink in my car:

It's really not all that bad. Although I tried to drink it quickly and the big gulps kind of burned my throat a little. Gratefully, I didn't feel as nauseated after finishing it this time.

I told my doctor I've been having some trouble with insomnia. I've been trying not to nap during the day to make sure I'm tired at night, but I still seem to struggle falling asleep and staying asleep. There have been times when I wake up in the middle of the night and for the life of me, cannot fall back asleep for an hour or two. Dr. Savage said I can take unisom nightly. If this continues, I may need to! I try to only take half a pill though because it can make me feel a little groggy in the morning. However, I do have to mention that my wonderful children are on a pretty awesome schedule right now. It seems like as soon as summer hit, they started sleeping later. I know part of that is later bed times, but that hasn't always helped in the past. I often don't hear a peep until at least 7:30 and sometimes as late as 8:30 or 9AM in the morning. It's amazing.

I also asked the doctor about some sciatic pain in my right hip and back side. I usually only feel it when I'm laying on my back. She said there's not a lot you can do and just suggested not laying in a way that causes the pain. Looks like I'll have to start side sleeping from now on. :(

And lastly, I've been dealing with some acid reflux at night. She said to take Prevacid or Prilosec in the morning before I eat. I feel like a lot of this is a repeat from my last pregnancy. I kind of knew the answers to these questions, but also forgot. So here it is for memory's sake. ;)

Also, I've been trying to stay somewhat consistent in working out. It's not always daily, but I try to exercise a minimum of 3x per week. I decided to document my post workout sweat. Obviously I really "enjoyed" it.

Numero Tres: 23 weeks

We went to Florida for a family vacation last week, so I pushed my appointment off by one week.

I was fairly anxious to see Dr. Savage this week because I was having some serious itching going on with my face. In previous pregnancies, I was fairly itchy too, but it mostly stuck to my legs and then general itchiness of my back and belly. This time, I was doing some serious clawing at my legs and face. And my face seemed to be developing some kind of rash. She told me to try taking Claritin in the morning and Benadryl at night. She said I should use Cortisone cream sparingly on my face. I also mentioned I was getting restless legs and charlie horses. She said to make sure to get enough calcium, eat a banana every day and drink plenty of water.

So off I went with plans to do as the doctor ordered. Well, the itching in my face did NOT stop. The antihistamines didn't seem to touch it, and it was just getting worse. I was waking up frequently at night clawing at my face. I started to do some research and read about a few conditions that can happen in pregnancy that might possibly be the cause. After taking part in some online discussions with other women, I decided to request a blood test to confirm one way or the other. I called my office and said I was concerned about cholestasis and asked if they would order a blood test. She went ahead and ordered it. Sadly (and happily) it came back negative. I was grateful because it sounded unpleasant and could cause still birth late in pregnancy. But I was also devastated to not have an answer. The nurse suggested I go to a dermatologist. These are pictures of what my face looked like after a night of clawing:

I called to schedule with the dermatologist and they said she didn't have any openings for at least 3 or 4 weeks. There was no way I was waiting that long. I put myself on a waiting list and went ahead and scheduled with their APRN. A couple days later I went in. The APRN said she thought it was sun reaction or allergy. However, she was very interested in the fact that it didn't affect my eyes and was specifically around my face. As I was leaving, she stopped the doctor who I had attempted to see in the hallway and showed her my skin. She started asking me all these questions and then just brought me into a room instead. It was kind of awesome because I wasn't able to schedule with her, but ended up seeing her anyway, and for a much longer time than I spent with the APRN! She asked about all my skin care products. It was hard to narrow it down to something that would have solely affected my face. She took some pictures, gave me her email address and said she would be happy to let me know about any products and their ingredients if I emailed them to her later. She told me to stop using most (if not all) of my lotions and face makeup and I bought a (very expensive) cream that she created for my face. The APRN had said I would see a noticeable difference within a few days. I felt as though the itching decreased, but the redness was still there.

I emailed the doctor and told her I didn't see much of a difference in the color to my face. She said it could take up to three weeks for the redness to go away. Boo! After all that time, I do think it decreased a fair amount, and the itching has gone away completely. I tend to think it may have been the powder/coverup I was using on my face. I eventually felt safe enough to wear eye makeup again and that has been fine. However, I've stayed away from anything on my face and that seems to have been a good idea as I haven't had any problems since then. I still feel like there's a little residual redness that I may follow up on later.

As for the belly...it has started to pop a bit. These are pictures I took at 20 weeks (HALF WAY!). I can still just barely see my feet. :)

Numero Tres: 18 weeks

We had our big ultrasound today where they measure everything and check the baby's organs, growth and development. All was well. Baby is still a girl and measuring just about on track (2 days ahead) of my due date. I LOVE being able to see her. It's so fun to see how much she has grown and developed. I am in awe of human life and our ability to procreate. God is miraculous.

I had an appointment with Dr. Savage following the ultrasound. She said that everything must have looked good since she didn't hear anything to the contrary from the tech. It's always reassuring to know your baby is doing well. I mentioned to her that I was a little worried because I started feeling the baby move around 15.5 weeks but was anxious to see the ultrasound because I would go long periods of time without feeling movements. She told me that she wouldn't worry about that at all at this point and doesn't even ask about movement until the next appointment. Apparently, she's doing well anyway because she was a very squirmy little thing during the ultrasound and I didn't feel it!

Nothing else significant happened.

I mentioned to her that I was worried about my weight gain (as in too much). She told me she wasn't concerned at all and I was well within an acceptable range. I tried to take her word for it. I also told her that I wanted to start a health challenge group. I told her it was basically just eating healthy, avoiding processed sugar and exercising. She said it all sounded good to her except the "counting calories" part. She said that I shouldn't be worrying about that while pregnant. I asked her what an acceptable amount of weight gain would be each week and how many calories I should be consuming. She said the weight gain part is hard because about 1 lb a week is typical, but you don't always gain it that way. Sometimes you gain nothing and other times you gain more. She also suggested I try to eat at least 2000 calories, and up to 2500. That sounds like a ton to me! I guess I'll just try to eat intuitively and take what my body needs. Mostly I just want to do this challenge so I can try to stick to healthy habits and not just let it all go "just because I'm pregnant and I can." I'm hoping this will help with that.

Oh, and lastly, I just remembered one reason why I love being pregnant - I don't have to wash my hair nearly as often. I can go a good three days without even needing to worry about it! This is huge for me. I used to be a wash everyday kind of girl. :)

Numero Tres: 15 weeks Gender Ultrasound

Today was the day! I was so excited. I asked the kids in advance what they were hoping for - a brother or a sister. Owen said he wanted a brother, and Elsie concurred. I told my parents what they had said and Owen overheard me say, "Yeah, I'm sure Owen will be ok if it's another sister." Owen quickly responded with, "No. Not ok. Only a brother!" As for Miles and I, I don't think either of us cared. Again, I'd love the whole second son thing (to continue to tradition of five lines of second sons on Miles' side), but I just don't have strong opinions on it anymore. I can't imagine I would love my child any more or less dependent upon their gender. I don't know if we will have any more children after this. There is a LOT to consider in making that decision. So this could be our last. And with that thought in mind, it's hard to not feel some sadness that Owen or Elsie might not have the experience of having a sibling of their same gender. But I also don't think it has to matter that much. I just want to encourage strong, loving bonds between siblings no matter what.

I had Owen wear blue and Elsie wear pink to show support for their gender (with stereotypical colors of course). ;)

We all headed to the doctor's office that morning as a family. I was excited to bring the kids too so they could see the baby and it might be a little more real to them. As soon as the baby showed up on the screen, Owen said, "It's a girl." The tech said, "How'd you know? Because it has a brain?" Miles rolled his eyes at at that joke. After we saw that the baby did in deed have a brain, she moved around to get a good view of the genitals. Owen asked, "Does it have clothes on?" She said, "Nope. It's swimming around naked in there." Then she announced...."It's a GIRL." Owen said in a very Eeyore voice, "I'm going to be the only boy...."

Honestly, I was kind of shocked. I don't usually get strong intuitions regarding the gender of my children. But this time I kept feeling like it was a boy. I was very wrong...and totally ok with it. Later I told Owen that he is such a good big brother and asked him how he felt about having another sister. He said, "I'll teach the baby lots of things! Like not to hit, or punch, or scratch, or pinch, or be mean to others." I guess he's over his sadness and ready to be the best big brother to his TWO little sisters. I sure do love that sweet boy!

Here is baby GIRL's sweet little head and arm in the top picture, and profile in the second.

I also asked the kids what we should name her. Elsie said, "Poopy," and Owen said, "Spit." Maybe I won't be seeking their input after all.

After the appointment, we stopped by for a quick visit to see Great Grandpa (Grandma was busy). We sure do love them, and are so happy they live closer to us now!

And lastly, is the obligatory belly shot. This picture was taken by Owen. Not too shabby for an almost five year old. :)

Numero Tres: 14 weeks

I really hate how far apart all the appointments are. It makes it feel like forever in between each appointment, and while not a lot changes in between, I just want more updates...or something. I don't know.

Anyway, this last month morning sickness really kicked in. I didn't have a lot of complaints up until about 11 weeks. I had even mentioned to the doctor at my previous appointment that my morning sickness felt so minimal that it was almost concerning. Well...I needn't have worried. Around 11 weeks it kicked in full force. Which is kind of odd considering it's close to that time that people stop feeling as sick. And I know I can't complain because I wasn't puking my guts out, nor feeling miserable from the moment of conception like some people do. But it has still been a pretty miserable few weeks. My kids are definitely watching their fair share of TV. And while I don't think they mind, I do. I'm just hoping it will pass soon so we can get back into a routine, I can start working out again, and that I can actually enjoy this pregnancy.

These are the notes I wrote at 13w4d:
"I'm excited to feel movement. I probably won't for another few weeks though. I'm not in maternity clothes yet, but I'm getting uncomfortable in my clothes. I want to live in my PJs or maxi skirts all day. I wore a pair of my pants with top button undone all day one time. I didn't even want the rubber band. But that's mostly because of not feeling awesome and not liking the pressure. I usually take off my bra early in the night because of the same reason."

My appointment was fairly uneventful. Dr. Savage found the heartbeat quickly this time, which was expected since the baby has grown. I mentioned that I was feeling some pain in my pelvic/groin area. Sometimes it is so painful just to walk and I have to sit down and relax. She said it was ligament pains. I said, "Already?! At 14 weeks???" I was surprised because I'm not even that big or carrying a lot of weight. She kindly reminded me that it's my third pregnancy and I'm also older than I was the last time. Ok...I guess things can change a lot in just a few years time. I guess it also surprised me because I'm healthier than the last two times. But c'est la vie. I honestly canNOT imagine have 5,6,8,10(!) children. How do women do it?! Well, I'm sure most of them start when they're a lot younger. But still. I stand in awe.

I'm going in next week for the gender check. Miles thinks I'm ridiculous because I can't wait another few weeks. The US tech tells people to come between 16 and 20 weeks. But I went in at 15 with Elsie, so I'm doing it again! I'm just WAY too impatient and can't wait to find out. I hope the baby cooperates so the tech will be sure! :)

Numero Tres: 10 weeks

I'm terrible at blogging these days, but I figured I should keep some kind of record of this pregnancy. I haven't found a doctor near me, so I went ahead and scheduled my first appointment with my old doctor down in Provo. I seriously love her, so I don't have an issue with going to her...except for the 30 min drive each way and typical 30 min wait before I am seen. I guess we'll see what I end up doing when it comes down to it.

I was anxious for my appointment. It always feels like such a long wait between the last IVF appointment and your first regularly scheduled OB appointment. When you go in on an almost daily basis, four weeks feels like a lifetime. I was also a little weirded out by the fact that I wasn't noticing any major pregnancy symptoms. I know I shouldn't complain about that because most of them are not fun. But of course it just made me paranoid when I was so happy to have been successful with IVF and was worried about losing the baby.

Here are some of the notes I made around 8 weeks of what I was noticing about pregnancy:

- Super emotional (will cry at the slightest things - happy or sad)
- Feeling pretty good. Working out daily. Some days I feel awful, but it usually doesn't start until around/after lunch and goes until bedtime
- Get really hungry and most food sounds good to me, but once I eat it, it doesn't usually sit well
- Feeling bloated already
- Small things make me want to gag (like wiping hair off the floor, mushy food, kids' poop in the toilet, or gross stories)
- Craving eggs! Cooked any way - it all sounds delicious. Also carbs.

So I guess I was having some symptoms, but it all felt pretty mild. I was telling Haley about my concerns and she reminded me that I had a fairly easy pregnancy with Owen. I guess I had completely forgotten about that with all the problems/complaints I had during Elsie's pregnancy. Needless to say, I was still anxious to go in and hear that heartbeat again.

It was so great seeing Dr. Savage again. She is always so warm and welcoming, and really makes you feel like she cares about you and your life. I happened to mention I hadn't found a doctor near me. She said, "I understand it's more convenient for you, but if you don't come back, I'll cry." That made me laugh and feel like she actually wants to see me. (Which of course just makes my decision harder!) After going through questions and regular check-up stuff, she did the sonogram. Unfortunately she was struggling to find a heartbeat. She mentioned before starting that it might be hard because my uterus was tilted back just a little bit and when the baby is so small it can be hard to find. I never felt nervous or worried while she was searching. She made me feel completely at ease. After a few minutes she told me that she wasn't worried about it, but if I wanted we could schedule an ultrasound just to make sure. I of course said yes.

I went in the next day to have my ultrasound. They made me drink 32 oz of water an hour before my appointment. By the time I was taken back my bladder was bursting. And as soon as she pushed down on my abdomen I thought I was going to die. But seeing that adorable, tiny, little baby on the screen made my discomfort less apparent. She quickly found the heartbeat and all was well in my heart. I could see the baby already has tiny arms, legs and little nubby fingers and toes. It was so so adorable. She said the baby had its legs crossed. I'm hoping it will be more cooperative at the gender check! It was so wiggly and squirmy. I loved imagining the baby dancing around inside of me. It made everything feel more real.

I'm kind of glad Dr. Savage couldn't find the heartbeat so I could have this extra little ultrasound. I think I'm in love already.

My Fitness Journey

A year ago, I started a journey that I had no idea I was beginning, nor did I realize where it would take me. A friend of mine, Megan Potter, was regularly posting pictures, quotes, and motivational blurbs on Facebook about how she had lost weight over the previous year. As these images and words passed in front of me, I started to wonder if I could have a similar experience or results. She talked about her journey and said things like, "I lost [x amount of] lbs in 60 days. What could you do in 60 days?" I was SO tired of not just being fat, but also of feeling fat. It wasn't just a physical feeling - it was emotional and internal. I hated how I looked and sadly, I let that affect how I felt about myself as a person. I know it's not right or ok, but that's where I was. So after all of her indirect encouragement, I began to think...60 days? That's nothing. I can do anything for 60 days. And so I decided to jump into it.

I bought a Beach Body Challenge Pack that included Insanity workouts, Shakeology, and an online membership. I never actually used the online membership because in the beginning of May I joined one of Megan's challenge groups. There was something really great about being in that challenge group. I could never motivate myself to stick with something long-term. I owned a great gym membership, but had only every gone sporadically. I think what helped me start this journey was that there was a goal in place - 60 days. Complete the Insanity program in 60 days. And then, having a group of people that I felt accountable to was huge. I felt like if I missed a workout, I wasn't just letting myself down, I was letting other people down.

Well that first day was a fit test. I thought I was going to die. Quite literally. I wanted to vomit and I told Megan I didn't think I could make it. She encouraged me to continue and I did. I finished Insanity and I was surprised that even though I was exhausted and hoped to never touch an Insanity DVD for a very long time, I wanted to keep working out and being active. I took a short break (due to getting the flu and taking care of a very sick baby) and then started doing the first month of Insanity again. After another month, I heard about T-25 (a 25 min Shaun T program) and jumped into another challenge group with Megan. I finished that and then moved on to P90X3 (a 30 min Tony Horton program). Shortly after starting P90X3, I joined a health group with another friend, Natalie Robison. Basically it is a competition where you put money in a pot at the beginning and can win money at the end by getting the most points (earned by making healthy choices such as: staying under your calorie limit, eating fruits and vegetables, drinking 64 oz of water, not eating any refined sugar, getting enough sleep each night, etc.) or by losing the most weight. I didn't win the first round, but chose to do it again because it was giving me great results. I also finished P90X3 and here I am...one year later from when I started this madness. And yet, it's not madness at all. I couldn't be happier.

No one is more stunned by my results than I am. My physical results alone are huge. I have lost 42 lbs, at least 27 inches, and have gone from a large size 14 to a size 6/8. I honestly cannot remember the last time I wore a size 6 in anything.

I'm not gonna lie. It's a bit embarrassing to show these pics. 1) Because I can't believe how big I let myself get, and it's not flattering, and 2) because I'm showing a lot more flesh than I'm used to. ;)

These first pics are at my heaviest and lightest:

These pics are prior to starting Insanity and after completing T-25, but before P90X3. Apparently I never took after photos following completion of that program or my health challenge groups. Oops. But the difference is still noticeable.

What's crazy to me too is that I used to think I was so fat in high school compared to the size 00 to size 2 girls that I knew. A year ago, I would have DIED to be the size I was in high school. And now I passed that up and I'm even smaller! I started by ideally wanting to lose 25-30 lbs. Once I hit that, I was honestly happy. But I kept working out and making healthier choices, which has led me here. People ask me what goal/weight/size is I'm trying to reach. I'm not. I have no goal. I am 100% content HAPPY with where I am. Sure, I could be more toned and have more muscle. But who cares?! I'm healthy! I have never felt so capable in my body as I do now! I feel invigorated and strong and healthy!

I remember feeling as though at the ripe old age of 30 I was feeling old. I could tell my body was aging and was incapable of doing the things I could in my youth, or even my 20s. Psh! What a load of crock! I just wasn't taking care of myself. I didn't realize how I was truly sabotaging my health and the best years of my life by not exercising and by eating like crap. I've learned a lot of lessons about health and food along the way. Maybe I'll save that for another post. But I really am grateful for this huge learning experience.

The most important part of all of this though is not my physical change - it's my heart and my mind. I still don't like that some of my feelings of self-worth are connected to how I feel about how I look. That is a life-long work in progress. However, separate from that I do feel more confident. I feel capable. I feel dedicated. I feel at peace. I feel PROUD. I like who I am and I like that I recognize I am worth the effort to take care of this incredibly ABLE body my Heavenly Father gave me. I could have been born with impairments or disabilities. I could have acquired them through life. Yet I have been blessed with a strong, able, healthy body. Why should I hurt it? Why should I abuse it? Why should I throw it's abilities away? No more. I want these changes to stick for good. So this journey will not end. It's a journey of a lifetime.

Family Planning

When I hear young or inexperienced couples talking about "family planning" (how many kids they want and when) it sometimes both irritates and amuses me, basically for the same reason. Our ability to determine such things is (the majority of the time) completely out of our control! Ok, maybe not completely. And definitely not for everyone. I know there are some people who get pregnant just looking at each other. So maybe that's where my irritation (possibly jealousy? Sure.) comes in. My fertility is determined by numerous doctors and nurses and lab technicians, and ultimately, God. And yet, here I sit...family planning. Granted, since mine does involve so many parties, and serious financial investment, I guess it makes sense.

Shortly after I had Elsie, I remember having a distinct feeling that I wasn't done. Not necessarily in that spiritual "there's another child/spirit waiting to come to our family" kind of way. It was more of me just feeling that I for sure wanted at least one more, and I wasn't ready to call it "quits" at two. Owen and Elsie are about 2 years and 5 months apart. It's been a good gap. Not too far and not too close. They play well together (sometimes) and love each other (on their own terms) and seem to enjoy being siblings (for the most part). I've enjoyed watching them learn and grow together. Nothing warms my heart more than to hear my children giggling with each other, or when they spontaneously give each other hugs and kisses. It is The.Best. So...why not add another to the mix?

Well, I've been contemplating this for a while. Elsie has been a more easy-going baby than Owen, so I considered having them closer together. However, Elsie is also still my baby, and I don't feel any rush to make her grow up. Yet with our infertility issues, it does take some advanced planning to make anything happen. So back in January, Miles and I decided to go in for a consultation with our doctor to discuss our options.

Currently, we have two frozen embryos. Dr. Heiner said that they both looked good and our chances of having a successful pregnancy with implantation are good. He asked about our timetable. At the time we were discussing plans to travel abroad to Japan and/or Germany. We thought we had dates settled for that, so we talked about working around our trips to avoid traveling while in my first trimester. That meant that we had to do a transfer within two months time. I was still nursing Elsie at the time, and the doctor said I had to be done with that so my medication would not get into the milk and transfer to Elsie. He also told me to schedule another saline sonogram to check and make sure that my uterus was looking good for a transfer. He said I didn't need to do any other tests. I was very happy to learn that Miles and I could waive STD testing. It's so unnecessary and expensive! I think the only reason we could bypass it was because it wasn't a fresh cycle. I guess that's a plus.

In February I went in for the saline sonogram and they said everything looked fine. However, I started weaning Elsie and she was having a hard time with it. It made me sad to force an end to her nursing when she (and honestly I as well) was not ready for it. So I made a decision then that I was not going to do a transfer until after our trip to Japan. Well, within a month our plans changed and travels were put off until the fall. This meant I could do a transfer sooner, but it also didn't have to be right away. So it changed to May.

Here I am now...in May...awaiting cycle day 1 to begin this process. I don't know exactly what it will look like this time. Sadly our nurse, Katie, no longer works for RCC and the new nurse was not as happy to answer all my questions. However, I do know that it will all be fairly fast and painless. At least that is my hope...

A dear friend of mine who also goes to the same office recently did her third fresh IVF cycle. She got a positive pregnancy result, but found out at week 7 that she was going to miscarry. My heart aches for her. Deeply. Struggling with infertility is something that has been so hard. And yet, one of my greatest fears is having that hope of a life to come, only to have it taken away just as quickly. At least with negative pregnancy tests, there's no life and no hope to crush. We have been so blessed and fortunate to have success each time we have done IVF. Yet it's never a guarantee.

So here I sit...family planning. And while I have all the ability in the world to plan around trips and seasons and birth dates and sibling separations, it is still completely out of my control. Here we go again on this crazy roller coaster.

Angels & Demons

Today was a polarizing day. It started at 4 am with Owen coming to my room and quietly waking me and asking to snuggle. He joined me in bed (I sent Miles to the guest room so he could get uninterrupted sleep for the remainder of the night) and the wiggling began. Normally I wouldn't allow it, but I knew he was sick and not feeling well. He coughed on and off for at least 30 minutes, and just as he was finally settling down and I was heading back to sleep, Elsie woke up at 5:15 am. (I should mention that last night we put both kids to bed at 6:30 pm because they were hot messes. They both cried non-stop for the previous 30 - 45 min, and we knew they needed their rest. So I suppose it shouldn't be too surprising that both woke early.) Unfortunately for me, it took me a good hour to get her back to sleep. I got about one more hour of sleep before Owen woke me to get up. And thus our day began.

One cute moment of "baby in a box" in the midst of craziness:

Our morning was slow and painful. Both kids were off and cranky. Owen was so sensitive and anything and everything would send him into fits of tears. To shorten the day's recap, I will give the "highlights."

Owen:
- Directly disobeyed me and found and ate treats (by diligently searching) three different times after being told "no treats."
- Spilled a cup of my chocolate shakeology I had given him all over his pants and the blanket his Grammy made for him. This happened because he did not follow the "eat in the kitchen" rule.
- Screamed at his sister (a fairly regular occurrence in our home).
- Took a huge pile of sticky tack and put it in the toilet, prior to pooping and peeing in the toilet.
- Was overall defiant, disobedient, angry, and whiney.

Elsie:
- Scratched Owen's face
- Splashed in the toilet
- Pooped in the tub
- Caused general havoc wherever she went (a fairly regular occurrence in our home)

I sent out numerous SOSs to Miles and my friends seeking some words of wisdom and support to help me get through my day.

My one reprieve was nap time.

Elsie climbed in bed and wanted to be covered up with him. Owen didn't want a picture.

Then when he did want a picture, Elsie was done. You can see Owen's sad, red eyes from crying all day.

It's amazing how sweet they look when they are sleeping. It can make all the other stuff go away...at least until they wake up. ;)

Elsie's awesome "bed head" post nap.

And then something happened. I have no idea what. In the midst of dinner and bath time, Miles had to leave. I was dreading doing bed time by myself after the day we had. Owen wanted to take a bath, but I told him that he couldn't tonight because Elsie had pooped in the tub, but that he could take one tomorrow. I expected him to throw a fit, but he didn't. He asked if he could play and I said yes. He said, "Thanks, Mom!" I was shocked. Not because this is abnormal for Owen, but it was completely unexpected based on his behavior from today.

While the kids played happily, I did some laundry, cleaning and general pick up. They didn't whine or complain, and they played nicely. It was so wonderful to hear "sure, Mom!" when I would ask Owen to help Elsie with something. And to hear Elsie say, "day-do" (thank you) to Owen. When Elsie would come over to play with Owen, he didn't shoo her away or get angry when she messed something up. I couldn't believe that I had a good 45 min+ of happy play time between the two of them.

Then, I told Owen it was time to do some clean up. Both kids helped happily and willingly and were so proud of their accomplishments. When I took Elsie off to bed, they hugged and kissed. Elsie didn't fuss about bed time, and went down easily. Owen was only upset for a brief moment when it was his turn, but quickly changed to a happy, sweet boy. We read from the Book of Mormon and I explained that what we had read was about the atonement. He saw a picture of Jesus and said, "It's Jesus! Why is he sad?" I told him he was sad because he was suffering for our sins and could feel each time we made bad choices. He said, "He doesn't like it when I'm mean to Elsie." I said, "Nope." He said, "He doesn't like it when Elsie scratches my face." I said, "Nope. And he doesn't like it when you don't listen to Mommy. Or when Mommy yells at you, and I'm sorry I got upset with you earlier." He said, while hugging me so tight, "It's ok, Mom! Now Jesus can love you!"

It was such a blessing to end this horrendous day on a beautiful, high note with my kids. Some times days like this make me wonder if it is worth it, or if I am doing things right. And then my children show me their love and innocence and sweetness. Even with it all, I would most definitely do this day again.

SOLD!

Since we moved to Lehi last March, our condo down in Provo has just been sitting there. Empty. We talked some of getting renters, and while I was open to the idea, I wasn't too excited. I really didn't want to be a landlord. And honestly, I just wanted to be done with it and sell it. However, we had some thing that still needed to be done (paint the doors, replace the carpet, patch large holes in the walls, etc.) before we felt comfortable listing it and having it show well. Unfortunately, when we moved, Miles was working an inordinate amount of time and I was taking care of two kids while trying to get settled into our new home. So neither of us was really available to get the work done. Occasionally I would bring it up (bitterly) and say we needed to do something about it so we weren't just paying two mortgages every month. We had a friend give a bid to do the work and we were about to jump on it when we got an interesting offer...from Miles's parents. They mentioned they might be interested in buying our condo, as they are often in Utah for a good 4-6 months out of the year (on and off) and have been wanting to have their own space while they are up here. After we gave them a sale's price and they looked the place over, they accepted. I was ecstatic that it was no longer a constant worry in the back of my mind. AND...we would no longer be making two mortgage payments each month! Yay! We came to an agreement that they would start making payments in November and purchase it sometime in the near future. Well, that future is here and it is officially in their names as of last week. Hurray! I hope they are as happy as I am. :)

I have to say, it's actually kind of nice thinking of them "living" there. Our condo in Provo holds a lot of special memories for our family. It was a good place for us in starting our married life, and our family. We made a lot of good friends, had positive experiences, and were happy with the location and our neighbors. I love that even though it will be different and is no longer ours, that we can still visit our first home.

Pie Party

We hosted our First Annual Harvest Homes Pie Party this year (our second total, with the very first being in Provo). Our next door neighbor and friend, Kelly Dyches, helped put the shindig on and provided a generous amount of delicious pies. When all was said and done, we ended up with 20 unique pies and 26 total pies (some were repeats). I made 16 of them.

This was our list of pies (stars by the ones I made):
*Pumpkin
*Pumpkin Butter Pecan
*Toll House Cookie
*Jello Cream Cheese
*Raspberry Cream
*Chocolate Crusted Peanut Butter (or Candy Bar Pie)
*Buttermilk
*Coconut Cream
*Chocolate Cream
*Banana Cream
*Heath Bar
*Tart Au Citron
Apple
Dutch Apple
Snickerdoodle Apple
Key Lime
Pecan
Salted Caramel
Pumpkin Cheesecake
Chocolate Truffle

The most popular pies were the Dutch Apple, Buttermilk, Salted Caramel, and Snickerdoodle Apple. The least favorite was the Jello Cream Cheese. I don't think I'll bother making that one again. I also think I would limit any doubling up to only the very favorites. We had a pretty good crowd, but I think we can do better next year. The plan is to either invite WAY more people, or make a lot fewer pies. We ended up with SO MANY leftovers and were sending people home with and delivering plates full of different pie slices.

I also wish I had taken more photos of the guests and party. There's always next year!

Crusts prepped and ready to go!

Labels printed beside the Tart Au Citron and two Buttermilk Pies:

Part of the layout:

The Nielsons enjoying some pie:

Two awesome neighbors and friends - Natalie Dobbin and Dayna Olson. They were some of the very first to welcome us to the ward/neighborhood.

The aftermath.... The first is of our downstairs once all the kids got done destroying playing in it.

And of course, the kitchen:

It was a ton of work, but a LOT of fun. I love this unique party idea and I'm grateful we've adopted it from Miles' dad. We hope to have just as many years and more of Pie Parties!

Thanksgiving

This year for the month of November in preparation for Thanksgiving, I created a "Thankful Tree." I took branches from our yard, and made pretty maple leaves to hang. Each night we would talk and write down something each of us was thankful for. I was really pleased with how well Owen took to the activity. He was so thoughtful and would often say things that both surprised and impressed me. The first night he said, "My parents," which of course just melted my heart right then and there. A different night he said this (over a period of time and interjections/acknowledgement by me):
"I have something I'm thankful for. My hands! What if I didn't have my hands and couldn't pick this up? (Picks up his fork.) I'm thankful for something else. My arms! What if I didn't have my arms? (while flapping them) And I'm thankful for my eyes! What if I didn't have my eyes. I would probably bump into things and walls. I'm thankful for something else. My house! What if I didn't have my house to play in and eat in and go to sleep in my bed? (I asked him what he would do if he didn't have his house.) I would go to the store and buy stuff to build a new house." I thought it was so insightful for him to recognize all of these blessing that we often take for granted. And for him to realize how different life would be without them.

Of course, just like a typical three-year-old, there were other nights I would ask him what he was thankful for and he would say, "I'm not thankful for anything." However, overall I was very happy with his responses. This is a list of different things we each said. Apparently we must have missed a few days here or there because there are only 24 for each of us. And I noticed that there were a couple of items that were repeated. Also, often the answers were indicative of our experiences from that day.

Miles: Oxygen, The beautiful Earth, Megan, Owen, My loving children, America, Food, Health, Health, Elsie, The law, Guns, Moments alone with Kendra, My family, Sleep, My education, Early bedtimes, Extended family, Church, Technology, Our warm house, Friends, Kendra, Kendra-Mommy

Kendra: A healthy body, Miles' job, The Gospel, Music, Miles, Art, My two beautiful children, Good neighbors, Modern medicine, Our home, Siblings, Safes, Kisses from my kids (& Daddy), Heat in the cold, Good friends, Chocolate, When my children giggle, Ice cream and hot chocolate, Singing in the choir, the Fall season, Financial stability, My degree, Miles, I get to be a SAHM

Owen: My parents, Bunnies and my bed, Screws in my bed, Daddy's office, My Dad, The carriage at the farm, Playing, My train, My hands, Daddy, My family, Big race cars, Screaming, Food, My pillow, My house, My Mommy, Backpacks, Luke & his mommy and Sylvie & Genevieve & their mommy, My eyes/eyesight, Flashlights, the Counter and the food I eat, Lions, My house

Elsie: Food, Bare feet, Bare feet, Cheerios, iPads, A hard head, Chocolate chips from Daddy, Dogs (Pete), Shoes, Dogs, Uncle Mitchell, Pans, Sign language, Owen, Mommy's milk, Floor vents, Books, Mommy and Daddy, Patient parents, Raspberries, Toilets, Baths, Rocks, Sippy cups

Here are some pictures of the Thankful Tree and a few other decorations I acquired this year.

I bought two felt acorn garlands and I am in love with them.

For the actual day of Thanksgiving, I hosted my first ever Thanksgiving dinner. Kerry, Matt, Hadley, Elena, Lance, Pat and Courtney Wickman all attended. It was a bit stressful, but I think it went well. I desperately wish I had more space for hosting large dinner parties. I also made my very first turkey. I got a brine recipe from a friend and I thought it was delicious! Lance said it was one of the best turkeys he had ever had. Not sure if he was just being polite or not, but honestly, it was good. Not to mention the amazing mashed potatoes, green beans with bacon and carmalized onions, fresh oranges and pomegranate seeds, Ruth's Chris style sweet potatoes, homemade buttery rolls, and stuffing. Mmm mmm mmm!!!

It was a wonderful dinner and Thanksgiving celebration. We are so happy to be close to some of our family and have the chance to be with them. We have much to be thankful for!