Mothers and Women of Today

I'm going to touch on a sensitive subject...because I just have to get it off my chest. About a couple months ago, a spark turned to a flame in the hearts of women across America when Hilary Rosen stated that Ann Romney, as a stay-at-home-mother (SAHM), had never worked a day in her life and therefore was unqualified to speak about the current tolls the economy has faced. SAHMs everywhere cried out that this was hideous, blasphemous, and absolutely wrong. I admit that my first reaction was confusion and disbelief that someone could make such a statement. It should be obvious that rearing children and taking care of a home is not a luxurious job that requires no daily work. It is hard, and can often be physically, emotionally and mentally taxing. However, after watching this flame burn across the media at large and through social networking and blogs, I started to feel frustrated, and even annoyed with the venomous lashes toward Hilary Rosen. Did she say something absurd? Yes. Is that precisely what she meant? No. But beyond that, I was suddenly ashamed of my fellow SAHMs who were suddenly pitting against working women, and even working mothers.

A few people mentioned that true feminism would allow for and accept any woman's choice in how she wants to live her life. That SAHMs should be respected equally for their choices, as those women who choose to work. I appreciated this statement, but was surprised then, at how so many wonderful women were suddenly showing pride in their position as a SAHM while looking down their noses as their female counterparts.

My friend and I got talking about this whole situation. We were both a bit frustrated with the reactions we were seeing and hearing. We both agreed that women should respect one another and show support for each other in whatever roles they are playing. Some women choose to stay home at a significant cost to their livelihood and financial well-beings. Others choose to work because they want to do something outside of the home. Then there are others who have no choice but to work so that they can help their spouses or partners cover their basic needs. And what about the women who don't have any children (whether by choice or inability/infertility), but have chosen to make a substantial career for themselves?

After talking with another friend of mine who is a working mom, it reignited my desire to do this post. We were discussing her home and work situations. She goes to work around 6 each morning and works until 3 PM while her husband stays home with their son. Then they swap the baby in the parking lot while he heads to work from 3 PM to 10 PM. They rarely get to see one another, they're barely making ends meet, and they are both working ALL DAY by being a parent and working full-time outside of their home. She said that she thought she had gotten used to the schedule until her husband recently called her one day from home. He said, "Someone wants to say hi to you," and put their son on the phone. He cooed in the background and she said she just burst into tears. She said it made her want to run home right away and be with her son. Now, being a full-time SAHM can be hard work, but I would readily and easily accept my "job" over dealing with the emotional sadness of not being able to be home with my child(ren).

Like I said, each woman makes choices for themselves. Sometimes they are able to do what they want and other times they are pushed into their positions. But I get so tired of the fodder sent back and forth from women on different sides of the field. Since I initially started this post, I've read two other articles that bring up more anger and hostility toward women, from women. The first was an article by an unmarried, working, woman who has no children. She stated that the working moms of today that are not putting in full-time work are killing feminism and encouraging a war on women.


Here are some unbelievable quotes from the author of the article, Elizabeth Wurtzel:


"I am going to smack the next idiot who tells me that raising her children full time -- by which she really means going to Jivamukti classes and pedicure appointments while the nanny babysits -- is her feminist choice."


"...being a mother isn't really work. Yes, of course, it's something -- actually, it's something almost every woman at some time does, some brilliantly and some brutishly and most in the boring middle of making okay meals and decent kid conversation. But let's face it: It is not a selective position. A job that anyone can have is not a job, it's a part of life, no matter how important people insist it is (all the insisting is itself overcompensation)....something becomes a job when you are paid for it -- and until then, it's just a part of life."


Obviously, this got my blood boiling. Then I read another article discussing the new CEO of Yahoo! and how she is pregnant, but made a statement saying, "My maternity leave will be a few weeks long and I'll work throughout it." Apparently this is just the kind of woman that Ms. Wurtzel would appreciate in the face of the war on feminism. To me, it just sadly encourages companies to expect that kind of behavior from other working moms - minimal to no maternity leave and a quick return to work.


And of course there is the talk that goes on at playgrounds, bookclubs, lunches out with the girls, and whispered between friends, that requires no article. The talk between women and often moms that shows complete and total judgement for how someone parents. I'm not talking about judging someone for beating their child or neglecting them or causing severe emotional, mental or physical distress and abuse. It's the judgement of women making snide remarks of how a child is reared: breastfed vs. bottle-fed; co-sleeping vs. sleeping on their own; cry it out vs. soothe the child; processed foods vs. homemade organic foods; backward facing car seat to age 2 vs. car seat to 20 lbs.; immunizing vs. not immunizing/doing it on a different schedule; homeschool vs. public school...the list goes on and on. And there is no shortage of moms willing to voice their opinion and quickly tell you what is the right way to do it and provide harsh judgements either to your face or whispered behind your back.


I guess what I'm getting at is that there does seem to be a war on women and mothers. Sadly, however, it seems to be coming from within. Who needs powerful, domineering men to tell us we aren't good enough when we do such a good job of it ourselves? And of course when we hear all this negativity from the intelligent, strong, compelling women that we look to for support, why wouldn't we start to believe it's true? Why can't we all support one another? Aren't we all trying to do our best in whatever life circumstance we are in? There are so many amazing women in this world who work in both high-powered and modest jobs; women who stay at home with their children and take care of home and family needs; women who serve and love those around them in whatever forum they can; and women who are just getting by doing all they can to survive. We all have talents, skills, and wonderful characteristics that are unique to each of us. We should be praising each other and recognizing the good rather than looking to tear each other down. I'm tired of the negativity and emotional cuts that go around. Let's all (myself included) work a little harder to be loving, supportive, and build each other up rather than judge and tear each other down.