Morbid Thoughts

(Demotivators)

I don't know why, but I often do "worst case scenarios" in my head. And not in the good way...you know, the way where you're driving on the freeway and you think, "What would I do if someone started spinning out of control in front of me? How would I react?" Those thoughts are helpful and make you prepared for different situations. No. That's not what I do. My worst case scenarios are just the kind that make you fret, and worry and feel awful.

When I was married to my first husband, I used to worry all the time that something would happen to him. That he would die somehow and I would lose him. Little did I know that I really needed to worry about him leaving me. I think this transformed my fears in my marriage with Miles to worrying that he would leave me as well. He's done a pretty good job of reasurring me that he's in it for the long haul, so I don't worry about that too much anymore.

Now, having Owen in my life, my irrational fears have transitioned to him. I always check on him every night before I go to bed to make sure he's ok, covered up good, that his pacifier hasn't dropped on the floor, and that he's not cramed in some uncomfortable sleeping position (even though Miles tells me not to move him and assures me that he probably likes sleeping as he is). Each night I go in, I also check to make sure he's breathing. Sometimes I have to put my hand lightly on his back or tummy to feel his diaphragm moving. I think that's pretty normal. A lot of first-time Mom's like to make sure their baby is breathing...especially in the beginning when there are concerns of SIDS. But my fears extend farther. I often worry about him falling or drowning or choking or any number of things. I wonder, what would I do? How would I react? How would I go on living? Would I blame myself? Would I ever be able to recover? I don't like it. It's useless, fruitless, worries and thoughts that do no good.

And then there are real people out there who have had to deal with the loss of a child. Like my dear friend's cousin, Molly Jackson, who out of her grief started A Good Grief to help others who are struggling to cope with their losses. And maybe it's stories like that, while inspiring, strike fear in my heart of what it would be like to lose my son.

After my brother died, it was apparent that my Mom was in constant emotional pain and saddness. She talked about losing a child and what that felt like to her. Having Owen in my life and feeling overwhelming love for him gives me a glimps of what that must feel like. And I ache for her.

I don't know why I let myself go to those dark places in my mind. Maybe it's because I yearned for a baby for so long and now the thought of ever losing him is just too much. I have a friend who says he doesn't worry about things like this because he figures that if someone dies, it was their time to go. I wish I could have that straight-forward, simplistic view without allowing emotions to get in the way. But it's those emotions that allow me to love and feel so deeply. I guess all I can do is just enjoy each day that I am blessed to be surrounded by my loved ones and cherish them always. I can let go of pettiness and differences, fears and worries, and focus on the positive and good, and continue to live and love...and look for that silver lining. ;)