Things People Don't Talk About Part 2

In August, I did a post on Things People Don't Talk About. For the past few months, I've been feeling like I should do a follow-up on that and add a couple more things to the list. But before you read on, let me start with a disclaimer...
Just because this is true for me, does not mean it's true for everyone. And if you start reading this, you have to finish reading it. I would feel bad if you missed the end.

1) Parenting
Ok. You're probably thinking, "What? Parenting? People talk about parenting all the time. Especially parents...I mean, that's practically ALL they talk about." (Hence why my blog is so Owen-centric). However, I think there's a part that gets left out sometimes. Parenting is HARD. And maybe this is something people talk about. But I guess for me, I had all of these ideals of what it would be like, and didn't know I was in for the biggest adjustment of my life when I became a parent. I remember telling Miles, "When I'm home all day with our baby, I'll have plenty of time to get things done. I can make you lunches for work, I'll make dinner, I can have the house clean every day, I'll do homemade crafts..." and on and on. I thought that suddenly it would be so much easier to be a good housewife. Well I was sorely mistaken.

In church a couple of Sundays ago, someone was giving a talk and mentioned that this time in our lives (being young, married, students, and/or working) is the most selfish time in our life besides when we were a baby. That got me thinking about how I suddenly went from the most selfish time in my life to the most selfless time in the blink of an eye. When a baby enters your world, he/she becomes your world. Everything I do revolves around Owen. If I do something for myself, I can't just do it. I have to take his needs into consideration. From taking a shower in the morning, to eating my breakfast, to putting on make-up, to going grocery shopping, to sitting down to blog, to making dinner, to going out with friends...no matter what it is, I have to think about Owen. I wonder if he'll be ok, if it will affect his schedule, if he'll need me, if I need to get a babysitter, if that babysitter will know how to take care of him...it goes on and on. I am no longer just myself. Owen is an extension of me, and I always have to wonder...is he ok?

Then there's the fact that nothing is simple anymore. Running errands is no longer "running" but is more like "hefting" from one place to the next as you lug a baby, car seat and diaper bag everywhere you go. You can't just hop in your car for a quick road trip or fly somewhere without being prepared. Traveling is just plain harder, longer, and more complex. Nothing is simple. Just getting out the door takes thought and preparation.

I guess people talk about the hard things of parenting (sleepless nights, tantrums, potty training, sickness, etc.), but the everyday parts of parenting are hard too. Changing your life to become a parent is hard.

2) Marriage After a Baby
A lot of people have similar experiences with marriage...it doesn't always meet your expectations. When I married Miles, I would say that was not the case. I had been married before, so I didn't really have expectations of how my second marriage would be. Plus, Miles (generally speaking) is very easy to get along with. We just didn't fight or disagree very often at all. Then came a baby. And boy, did he rock our world (see above). Not only did it change our everyday behaviors, but it changed how we interacted with each other. The first transition was dealing with my postpartum depression. Miles was a trooper. But then, once that was over, there was still an adjustment to this new life. I was no longer working an 8-5 job outside of the home. I was working a 24 hour job inside the home. I would say the biggest adjustment came when we tried to figure out how to balance it out so we both could have some down time. Miles would come home from work and want to relax and get a break. As soon as he walked in the door, I was looking to relax and get a break from taking care of Owen. These desires we had did not always mesh well. Eventually we worked things out, but that was a very difficult transition.

Then there is the fact that we only have one car. This means that I am home, inside, all day long (especially during the winter months...like right now). Don't get me wrong, being home is great! But I think both Owen and I get a little stir crazy staying inside the same place all day. So each day, I eagerly await Miles coming home so I can get out of the house...go to the grocery store, Costco, wherever...and Miles is looking forward to being home. Again...desires not meshing.

I think that there is just an overall increase of stress in the home. This added level of stress contributes to quick tempers, grumpy attitudes and irritable demeanors. Miles and I have had more arguements in the past 8 months than in our whole four years of marriage. I think it's crazy when people have bad marriages and think that adding a baby to their family will make things better. I'm so glad we were as strong a couple as we were before having Owen, because the stress of a baby is hard on a marriage.

This is something I did not anticipate. I was recently talking with my friend's husband and he was asking how it was to have Owen. He said that his sister told him, "Having a baby is the hardest part about marriage." It was so nice to hear that from him and be validated in feeling the added stress. I wish more people had mentioned this because, once again, I imagined unicorns and rainbows. I figured the only change would be how great it was to see my spouse as a loving father. But inevitably your relationship changes and all the time you once had for each other is divided and put aside as your love and attention is placed on a sweet, innocent human being who has so many needs. But your love and relationship also have needs. We're trying to find time to give due attention to those needs as well.

However...
All that being said...I wouldn't give it up for the world. Never. My life is harder and SO MUCH BETTER than I ever expected. And lets not forget...I asked for this. Not only did I ask, but I prayed, pleaded and begged for this. And boy am I glad I did. As hard as it is to become a parent, it changes your life for the better. So I need to follow up with why I am in awe and amazed that I have been blessed to become a parent.

I love watching Owen's curious nature. He wants to reach for, grab and touch anything and everything around him. His look of inquisition and wonder is incredible. I can practically see his synapses firing as his brain cells grow and develop with each action.

I love making him laugh. Especially those hearty, deep laughs. I love it when he finds something so amusing he laughs so hard that he stops breathing for a moment and has to take a big, deep breath. I love when we laugh together and I laugh so hard with him that I'm crying.

I love that he loves us. He gets so excited to see his Daddy when he comes home and will rock back and forth and flap his arms up and down. I love that when you pick him up, he gets so happy he squirms, bounces, and rubs his face in your shoulder. I love that his face lights up when I walk back into the room.

I love feeling needed. Never in my life have I been more needed by someone. Owen needs me to care for all of his needs (food, shelter, etc.) but he also needs me emotionally. He needs me to reciprocate feelings of happiness and shared moments of joy. He needs me for positive, human interactions. He needs me to love him.

I love that I miss being away from him after just a few hours. I can't wait to get home and sneak into his room so I can get a peak at him sleeping.

My level of empathy for Owen is greater than it has been for any other person. I hurt when he hurts. I want to take away his pain and sadness so that he doesn't have to experience these difficult feelings. I want to do all I can to make him happy.

I love so much deeper. It rips at my soul to think of losing my baby. Owen is a part of me forever and my love runs deeper than I can explain.

I love my husband more. While we still argue and disagree, I also love him more for what he does for our family. I love him for working hard each day (and sometimes nights too) to provide for us. Not only does he work to take care of our needs, but he also does additional work so that hopefully, one day, he can work for himself and have more time to give to us.

I love seeing my husband as a father. If we had never had Owen, I would not have been blessed to see this tender, playful side of Miles that is at its greatest when he is playing with his son.

Someone I know mentioned that they were telling some friends about the hard parts of having a baby. She said that she felt bad and wished she could take it back because she feels that most people know it's hard and that the good outweighs any of the bad. I guess I'm saying I wish I had known how hard it would be, just so I would have had realistic expectations. But she is so right...the good FAR outweighs the "bad." So parents should continue to extol the virtues of their children. Because at the end of the day, no matter how difficult it is, the gift of being a parent is the most exquisite blessing I have ever been given.