Back from the Dead

I was searching through my old blog posts for a picture from years ago. As I quickly scanned through, I stopped briefly on a few posts and was amazed at how few details I could remember from different events or blog posts. Many of them were seemingly small moments in time. Unimportant. Trivial. Yet at the same time, they were memories and thoughts that I would never recall otherwise. I've had thoughts of guilt that I haven't kept up with my blogging. Guilt over the expectations I had for myself as a parent to record my children's lives. I started out strong with Owen, continued some with Elsie and have failed miserably with Hazel. Yet it's not the guilt that is bringing me back. It's the feeling of finality. Of our feeble, temporal, imperfect minds that cannot hold everything in. The big events, I hope I will always remember. But it's those day to day moments - the seemingly mundane - that are the collection of your life, that will easily be forgotten if they aren't recorded. So I'm reviving this blog and coming back from the dead. I'm planning on starting from today. If I get a moment to go back and want to, I may. But I can't allow the unwritten past to overwhelm me from today. Hopefully my shiny new computer will motivate me as well. Nothing better than blogging from bed, right? ;)

My preeeeeeciouuuussssss.....

Pampered

I have been incredibly pampered over the last week and a half. The first pampering happened last week when Miles and I went car shopping (for what felt like the 100th time...although it was a lot less). We went to a Honda dealership (the third one in about a week) in Salt Lake and talked to them for hours about purchasing a minivan. Long story short...we walked away with this beautiful 2015, smokey topaz, Honda Odyssey. I never imagined I would buy new. But after all the searching we did, we discovered that they really do retain their value well and don't depreciate much over the coarse of 1-5 years. Plus, the dealerships are offering some large discounts on new cars, likely to get the 2015s out of their stock and prepare for the 2016s. Anyway...I don't feel too badly about it. I imagine we will have this for quite a while and make it worth our while.

As much as I rag on minivans, I'm actually pretty darn excited about it. It has so many cool "bells and whistles" that will make my life ridiculously easier. Automatic sliding doors (openable by pulling the handle, pressing a button on the key fob, or pushing a button from the driver's seat), automatic hatch, keyless entry and engine start, a camera for blind spot check on the right side, easy access to the back row (Owen can easily move the seats, which is awesome), blue tooth calling capabilities, a mini "fridge" in the console, leather seats (easier to clean), and on and on. In case you can't tell, I might be in love. So, a big thank you to my husband for "buying" his wife not one, not two, but THREE children AND a hot new ride to accommodate all these little rug rats.

The next pampering happened a few days later when my friend, Kelly, put together a little "pampering party" on my behalf. I didn't want any gifts at all (let's be honest...this baby girl will have everything and more with the many hand-me-downs from Elsie), but she insisted on allowing people to bring a gift to "pamper" me. We met up at Bake 360 in Draper. They sell delicious pastries, but now that I've had food from their newly opened cafe, I might be even more in love with their savory offerings! (For the record, I ordered the Croque Madam and it did not disappoint!)

These lovely ladies from my ward/neighborhood brought me some very thoughtful and sweet gifts.

Left to right: Me, Ronnie Hurless, Lindsay Adams, Jen Ard, Melissa Owens, Kelly Dyches (with baby Elise), and Natalie Dobbin.

Unfortunately, not everyone could come. So this is just a fraction of the amazing women I am surrounded by. Sometimes Miles talks about moving. I think he has that itch in him since he moved a lot as a youth. But when I think of these women and how incredible they are, I can't bring myself to even consider it. They are my village.

Numero Tres: 37 weeks

I almost killed myself this last week. Ok, I'm being dramatic. I took the kids to the Herriman Reservoir for a play date with my friend, Desiree and her twin girls. The kids had some large cylindrical water shooters. Owen apparently was swimming with his and didn't bring it all the way back to the shore. As he was sitting on my lap, we look out and see it drifting "out to sea." I sighed and said, "Well, I better go get it before it gets further away." Des asked if I was ok to do that. I said, "Yeah. Sure." She said, "I'm just not a confident swimmer." I said, "Oh yeah, I was on a swim team. No biggie," and headed out into the water.

About 10-20 breaststrokes out into the water I realized I had severely underestimated my abilities to breathe. Swimming skill? Check. Buoyancy? Check. Oxygen intake? System failure. I flipped to my back to give myself a break. I started to freak out a little when I realized I was not catching my breath and was still panting fairly hard. My only saving grace was that there were some paramedics in motor boats doing some trainings or something and I figured if I was going down, they were only out about 100 yards or so. I did think to myself, "What are you doing? This dumb $5 squirt gun is not worth this." But I was close, so I reached out to grab it, flipped back to my back and did a slow kick most of the way back to shore. I was dizzy and nauseated when I got back. Yeah...not my smartest move. Gratefully, Des was also ready to do some screaming for the paramedics should I go under. :) I'm realizing that my body is telling me I am less capable than my mind believes.

I might as well include some cute pictures of the kids the day I almost died. ;)

Elsie made me a "birthday cake," sang Happy Birthday to me, and had me blow out the candles. It was adorable.

This week at the doctor's office was fairly uneventful. I remain at a 1 cm dilated and about 80% effacement. I honestly don't every expect anything. I think I'd be totally surprised if it were any different. But I also don't put a lot of stock in that. With both of my kids, my water has  broken early (8 days with Owen and 10 with Elsie) and I was still at 1 cm by the time I got to the hospital hours later. So...meh. I did find out that I am negative for Group B strep. I'm really happy about that. Now I won't feel the need to rush to the hospital and get hooked up to an IV first thing after I arrive. Yay! I am having a lot more Braxton hicks contractions these days. Nothing major, but I hope it's a sign of things to come...sooner rather than later. ;)

Numero Tres: 36 weeks

The week leading up to this appointment was rough. I only got in one actual workout, but was happy to pass on the rest of the week. Although, in all fairness, I was very busy all week playing with my sister, Kim, and nephew, Austin, while they were in town. I also feel like six hours of walking, standing and climbing at the Museum of Natural Curiosity, and a fun-packed day at Seven Peaks count as some form of exercise. ;) But that's neither here nor there. What I DO know, is that last week kicked my butt and I was feeling it. I've been feeling pretty good during this pregnancy. Capable, strong, fairly energetic, etc. But the end has hit me...HARD. I feel slow, sluggish, big, tired, sore, and a myriad of pains I'd rather not feel.

I'm also sleeping rather horribly. I toss and turn (as well as a woman with a very large, pregnant belly can do) all night. I think my bad sleep affects Miles' sleep and in turn, his bad sleep affects mine. It's a pretty vicious cycle and ain't nobody happy about it. A couple nights ago, I woke up and had to make one of my many trips to the bathroom. I was facing away from the outside of the bed. I went to turn over and get up, but having almost zero core strength, it was far more difficult than I anticipated and I groaned loudly and said, "Oh gosh!" I sheepishly thought that I had probably woken Miles and I can't even get out of bed without it being a big to-do. The next night I woke with a hideous charlie horse in my calf. I get them a lot, but I usually just quickly flex my foot and it goes away. This time it did NOT help one bit. My leg seized up and I sat up (far faster than I thought I was capable) moaning and saying, "Ow! Ow! Ow!" Miles was kind to ask if I was ok and rubbed my back. It eventually went away, but once again...sleep ruined. Not to mention, in the morning my calf was sore for about half the day from all the spasming. I'll say this...even for someone who has a relatively "easy" and "comfortable" and even "enjoyable" pregnancy...it is still filled with its own set of difficulties.

I told my doctor about some sharp pains in my right hip and also the occasional debilitating pains in my groin area where my leg and body attach. Answer: Round ligament pain. Woot. Baby is growing and there's lots of extra pressure as well as the relaxin being produced and preparing my body for labor. The good news about all of this is that I am getting closer. It's funny because when I was 35 weeks, I felt like I was still a long ways away. But for some reason 36 has felt a LOT closer. The end is finally in sight.

This was my first cervical check too. Nothing exciting. I think she said something about being 70% effaced and maybe dilated to 1cm. I forgot how totally enjoyable those checks are. (Sarcasm.) When she was checking to see if baby girl was head down I thought I might actually go into labor. Sheesh. Oh, and she couldn't say 100% that she was head down. Although with all the hiccups I feel low, I'm guessing yes. Oh, and she also did the Group B Strep test. I'm praying it comes back negative. I was positive with Elsie and it was such a pain to have to deal with the antibiotics while in labor. I guess I'll wait until I get the results to worry about it.

Numero Tres: 30 weeks

Nothing super exciting this round. I did ask Dr. Savage about some pain I get when I push on the upper right side of my abdomen. I also feel it when the baby is there and I push against her, or if I get a nice elbow from Owen or Elsie when they're sitting on my lap. She said that it is probably some torn stomach muscles that are tender. Unfortunately, since my belly will just keep growing and stretching, it won't go away. I just chalk it up to one more lovely side effect of pregnancy. I'm grateful it doesn't bother me all the time. Truly, this pregnancy has been FAR better than my last.

That being said, the heat has started to pick up here in Utah. I would feel totally ungrateful if I didn't first say how totally and completely blessed we have been with a LONG spring, a lot of rain, and mild weather. It has been beautiful. In all honesty, I haven't taken it for granted. Every single time we have another 70-80 degree day I say prayers of thanks. But I knew it would catch up to us eventually. And here it is. High 80's creeping to the 90s with sights of 100 up ahead. NOOOOOO!!! So all I've wanted to do is lounge around and be extra comfy. So here I am...in a muumuu. It doesn't get much more comfortable or light and airy than that!

Numero Tres: 27 weeks

The week of the glucose test! Eek! Ok, it's not really that bad, but it's not great either. Prior to my appointment, I asked if I could bring the drink home with me so I wouldn't have to sit around the doctor's office for an hour. They said it was fine so long as I arrived a little early.

Here I am, downing my drink in my car:

It's really not all that bad. Although I tried to drink it quickly and the big gulps kind of burned my throat a little. Gratefully, I didn't feel as nauseated after finishing it this time.

I told my doctor I've been having some trouble with insomnia. I've been trying not to nap during the day to make sure I'm tired at night, but I still seem to struggle falling asleep and staying asleep. There have been times when I wake up in the middle of the night and for the life of me, cannot fall back asleep for an hour or two. Dr. Savage said I can take unisom nightly. If this continues, I may need to! I try to only take half a pill though because it can make me feel a little groggy in the morning. However, I do have to mention that my wonderful children are on a pretty awesome schedule right now. It seems like as soon as summer hit, they started sleeping later. I know part of that is later bed times, but that hasn't always helped in the past. I often don't hear a peep until at least 7:30 and sometimes as late as 8:30 or 9AM in the morning. It's amazing.

I also asked the doctor about some sciatic pain in my right hip and back side. I usually only feel it when I'm laying on my back. She said there's not a lot you can do and just suggested not laying in a way that causes the pain. Looks like I'll have to start side sleeping from now on. :(

And lastly, I've been dealing with some acid reflux at night. She said to take Prevacid or Prilosec in the morning before I eat. I feel like a lot of this is a repeat from my last pregnancy. I kind of knew the answers to these questions, but also forgot. So here it is for memory's sake. ;)

Also, I've been trying to stay somewhat consistent in working out. It's not always daily, but I try to exercise a minimum of 3x per week. I decided to document my post workout sweat. Obviously I really "enjoyed" it.

Numero Tres: 23 weeks

We went to Florida for a family vacation last week, so I pushed my appointment off by one week.

I was fairly anxious to see Dr. Savage this week because I was having some serious itching going on with my face. In previous pregnancies, I was fairly itchy too, but it mostly stuck to my legs and then general itchiness of my back and belly. This time, I was doing some serious clawing at my legs and face. And my face seemed to be developing some kind of rash. She told me to try taking Claritin in the morning and Benadryl at night. She said I should use Cortisone cream sparingly on my face. I also mentioned I was getting restless legs and charlie horses. She said to make sure to get enough calcium, eat a banana every day and drink plenty of water.

So off I went with plans to do as the doctor ordered. Well, the itching in my face did NOT stop. The antihistamines didn't seem to touch it, and it was just getting worse. I was waking up frequently at night clawing at my face. I started to do some research and read about a few conditions that can happen in pregnancy that might possibly be the cause. After taking part in some online discussions with other women, I decided to request a blood test to confirm one way or the other. I called my office and said I was concerned about cholestasis and asked if they would order a blood test. She went ahead and ordered it. Sadly (and happily) it came back negative. I was grateful because it sounded unpleasant and could cause still birth late in pregnancy. But I was also devastated to not have an answer. The nurse suggested I go to a dermatologist. These are pictures of what my face looked like after a night of clawing:

I called to schedule with the dermatologist and they said she didn't have any openings for at least 3 or 4 weeks. There was no way I was waiting that long. I put myself on a waiting list and went ahead and scheduled with their APRN. A couple days later I went in. The APRN said she thought it was sun reaction or allergy. However, she was very interested in the fact that it didn't affect my eyes and was specifically around my face. As I was leaving, she stopped the doctor who I had attempted to see in the hallway and showed her my skin. She started asking me all these questions and then just brought me into a room instead. It was kind of awesome because I wasn't able to schedule with her, but ended up seeing her anyway, and for a much longer time than I spent with the APRN! She asked about all my skin care products. It was hard to narrow it down to something that would have solely affected my face. She took some pictures, gave me her email address and said she would be happy to let me know about any products and their ingredients if I emailed them to her later. She told me to stop using most (if not all) of my lotions and face makeup and I bought a (very expensive) cream that she created for my face. The APRN had said I would see a noticeable difference within a few days. I felt as though the itching decreased, but the redness was still there.

I emailed the doctor and told her I didn't see much of a difference in the color to my face. She said it could take up to three weeks for the redness to go away. Boo! After all that time, I do think it decreased a fair amount, and the itching has gone away completely. I tend to think it may have been the powder/coverup I was using on my face. I eventually felt safe enough to wear eye makeup again and that has been fine. However, I've stayed away from anything on my face and that seems to have been a good idea as I haven't had any problems since then. I still feel like there's a little residual redness that I may follow up on later.

As for the belly...it has started to pop a bit. These are pictures I took at 20 weeks (HALF WAY!). I can still just barely see my feet. :)

Numero Tres: 18 weeks

We had our big ultrasound today where they measure everything and check the baby's organs, growth and development. All was well. Baby is still a girl and measuring just about on track (2 days ahead) of my due date. I LOVE being able to see her. It's so fun to see how much she has grown and developed. I am in awe of human life and our ability to procreate. God is miraculous.

I had an appointment with Dr. Savage following the ultrasound. She said that everything must have looked good since she didn't hear anything to the contrary from the tech. It's always reassuring to know your baby is doing well. I mentioned to her that I was a little worried because I started feeling the baby move around 15.5 weeks but was anxious to see the ultrasound because I would go long periods of time without feeling movements. She told me that she wouldn't worry about that at all at this point and doesn't even ask about movement until the next appointment. Apparently, she's doing well anyway because she was a very squirmy little thing during the ultrasound and I didn't feel it!

Nothing else significant happened.

I mentioned to her that I was worried about my weight gain (as in too much). She told me she wasn't concerned at all and I was well within an acceptable range. I tried to take her word for it. I also told her that I wanted to start a health challenge group. I told her it was basically just eating healthy, avoiding processed sugar and exercising. She said it all sounded good to her except the "counting calories" part. She said that I shouldn't be worrying about that while pregnant. I asked her what an acceptable amount of weight gain would be each week and how many calories I should be consuming. She said the weight gain part is hard because about 1 lb a week is typical, but you don't always gain it that way. Sometimes you gain nothing and other times you gain more. She also suggested I try to eat at least 2000 calories, and up to 2500. That sounds like a ton to me! I guess I'll just try to eat intuitively and take what my body needs. Mostly I just want to do this challenge so I can try to stick to healthy habits and not just let it all go "just because I'm pregnant and I can." I'm hoping this will help with that.

Oh, and lastly, I just remembered one reason why I love being pregnant - I don't have to wash my hair nearly as often. I can go a good three days without even needing to worry about it! This is huge for me. I used to be a wash everyday kind of girl. :)

Numero Tres: 15 weeks Gender Ultrasound

Today was the day! I was so excited. I asked the kids in advance what they were hoping for - a brother or a sister. Owen said he wanted a brother, and Elsie concurred. I told my parents what they had said and Owen overheard me say, "Yeah, I'm sure Owen will be ok if it's another sister." Owen quickly responded with, "No. Not ok. Only a brother!" As for Miles and I, I don't think either of us cared. Again, I'd love the whole second son thing (to continue to tradition of five lines of second sons on Miles' side), but I just don't have strong opinions on it anymore. I can't imagine I would love my child any more or less dependent upon their gender. I don't know if we will have any more children after this. There is a LOT to consider in making that decision. So this could be our last. And with that thought in mind, it's hard to not feel some sadness that Owen or Elsie might not have the experience of having a sibling of their same gender. But I also don't think it has to matter that much. I just want to encourage strong, loving bonds between siblings no matter what.

I had Owen wear blue and Elsie wear pink to show support for their gender (with stereotypical colors of course). ;)

We all headed to the doctor's office that morning as a family. I was excited to bring the kids too so they could see the baby and it might be a little more real to them. As soon as the baby showed up on the screen, Owen said, "It's a girl." The tech said, "How'd you know? Because it has a brain?" Miles rolled his eyes at at that joke. After we saw that the baby did in deed have a brain, she moved around to get a good view of the genitals. Owen asked, "Does it have clothes on?" She said, "Nope. It's swimming around naked in there." Then she announced...."It's a GIRL." Owen said in a very Eeyore voice, "I'm going to be the only boy...."

Honestly, I was kind of shocked. I don't usually get strong intuitions regarding the gender of my children. But this time I kept feeling like it was a boy. I was very wrong...and totally ok with it. Later I told Owen that he is such a good big brother and asked him how he felt about having another sister. He said, "I'll teach the baby lots of things! Like not to hit, or punch, or scratch, or pinch, or be mean to others." I guess he's over his sadness and ready to be the best big brother to his TWO little sisters. I sure do love that sweet boy!

Here is baby GIRL's sweet little head and arm in the top picture, and profile in the second.

I also asked the kids what we should name her. Elsie said, "Poopy," and Owen said, "Spit." Maybe I won't be seeking their input after all.

After the appointment, we stopped by for a quick visit to see Great Grandpa (Grandma was busy). We sure do love them, and are so happy they live closer to us now!

And lastly, is the obligatory belly shot. This picture was taken by Owen. Not too shabby for an almost five year old. :)

Numero Tres: 14 weeks

I really hate how far apart all the appointments are. It makes it feel like forever in between each appointment, and while not a lot changes in between, I just want more updates...or something. I don't know.

Anyway, this last month morning sickness really kicked in. I didn't have a lot of complaints up until about 11 weeks. I had even mentioned to the doctor at my previous appointment that my morning sickness felt so minimal that it was almost concerning. Well...I needn't have worried. Around 11 weeks it kicked in full force. Which is kind of odd considering it's close to that time that people stop feeling as sick. And I know I can't complain because I wasn't puking my guts out, nor feeling miserable from the moment of conception like some people do. But it has still been a pretty miserable few weeks. My kids are definitely watching their fair share of TV. And while I don't think they mind, I do. I'm just hoping it will pass soon so we can get back into a routine, I can start working out again, and that I can actually enjoy this pregnancy.

These are the notes I wrote at 13w4d:
"I'm excited to feel movement. I probably won't for another few weeks though. I'm not in maternity clothes yet, but I'm getting uncomfortable in my clothes. I want to live in my PJs or maxi skirts all day. I wore a pair of my pants with top button undone all day one time. I didn't even want the rubber band. But that's mostly because of not feeling awesome and not liking the pressure. I usually take off my bra early in the night because of the same reason."

My appointment was fairly uneventful. Dr. Savage found the heartbeat quickly this time, which was expected since the baby has grown. I mentioned that I was feeling some pain in my pelvic/groin area. Sometimes it is so painful just to walk and I have to sit down and relax. She said it was ligament pains. I said, "Already?! At 14 weeks???" I was surprised because I'm not even that big or carrying a lot of weight. She kindly reminded me that it's my third pregnancy and I'm also older than I was the last time. Ok...I guess things can change a lot in just a few years time. I guess it also surprised me because I'm healthier than the last two times. But c'est la vie. I honestly canNOT imagine have 5,6,8,10(!) children. How do women do it?! Well, I'm sure most of them start when they're a lot younger. But still. I stand in awe.

I'm going in next week for the gender check. Miles thinks I'm ridiculous because I can't wait another few weeks. The US tech tells people to come between 16 and 20 weeks. But I went in at 15 with Elsie, so I'm doing it again! I'm just WAY too impatient and can't wait to find out. I hope the baby cooperates so the tech will be sure! :)

Numero Tres: 10 weeks

I'm terrible at blogging these days, but I figured I should keep some kind of record of this pregnancy. I haven't found a doctor near me, so I went ahead and scheduled my first appointment with my old doctor down in Provo. I seriously love her, so I don't have an issue with going to her...except for the 30 min drive each way and typical 30 min wait before I am seen. I guess we'll see what I end up doing when it comes down to it.

I was anxious for my appointment. It always feels like such a long wait between the last IVF appointment and your first regularly scheduled OB appointment. When you go in on an almost daily basis, four weeks feels like a lifetime. I was also a little weirded out by the fact that I wasn't noticing any major pregnancy symptoms. I know I shouldn't complain about that because most of them are not fun. But of course it just made me paranoid when I was so happy to have been successful with IVF and was worried about losing the baby.

Here are some of the notes I made around 8 weeks of what I was noticing about pregnancy:

- Super emotional (will cry at the slightest things - happy or sad)
- Feeling pretty good. Working out daily. Some days I feel awful, but it usually doesn't start until around/after lunch and goes until bedtime
- Get really hungry and most food sounds good to me, but once I eat it, it doesn't usually sit well
- Feeling bloated already
- Small things make me want to gag (like wiping hair off the floor, mushy food, kids' poop in the toilet, or gross stories)
- Craving eggs! Cooked any way - it all sounds delicious. Also carbs.

So I guess I was having some symptoms, but it all felt pretty mild. I was telling Haley about my concerns and she reminded me that I had a fairly easy pregnancy with Owen. I guess I had completely forgotten about that with all the problems/complaints I had during Elsie's pregnancy. Needless to say, I was still anxious to go in and hear that heartbeat again.

It was so great seeing Dr. Savage again. She is always so warm and welcoming, and really makes you feel like she cares about you and your life. I happened to mention I hadn't found a doctor near me. She said, "I understand it's more convenient for you, but if you don't come back, I'll cry." That made me laugh and feel like she actually wants to see me. (Which of course just makes my decision harder!) After going through questions and regular check-up stuff, she did the sonogram. Unfortunately she was struggling to find a heartbeat. She mentioned before starting that it might be hard because my uterus was tilted back just a little bit and when the baby is so small it can be hard to find. I never felt nervous or worried while she was searching. She made me feel completely at ease. After a few minutes she told me that she wasn't worried about it, but if I wanted we could schedule an ultrasound just to make sure. I of course said yes.

I went in the next day to have my ultrasound. They made me drink 32 oz of water an hour before my appointment. By the time I was taken back my bladder was bursting. And as soon as she pushed down on my abdomen I thought I was going to die. But seeing that adorable, tiny, little baby on the screen made my discomfort less apparent. She quickly found the heartbeat and all was well in my heart. I could see the baby already has tiny arms, legs and little nubby fingers and toes. It was so so adorable. She said the baby had its legs crossed. I'm hoping it will be more cooperative at the gender check! It was so wiggly and squirmy. I loved imagining the baby dancing around inside of me. It made everything feel more real.

I'm kind of glad Dr. Savage couldn't find the heartbeat so I could have this extra little ultrasound. I think I'm in love already.

My Fitness Journey

A year ago, I started a journey that I had no idea I was beginning, nor did I realize where it would take me. A friend of mine, Megan Potter, was regularly posting pictures, quotes, and motivational blurbs on Facebook about how she had lost weight over the previous year. As these images and words passed in front of me, I started to wonder if I could have a similar experience or results. She talked about her journey and said things like, "I lost [x amount of] lbs in 60 days. What could you do in 60 days?" I was SO tired of not just being fat, but also of feeling fat. It wasn't just a physical feeling - it was emotional and internal. I hated how I looked and sadly, I let that affect how I felt about myself as a person. I know it's not right or ok, but that's where I was. So after all of her indirect encouragement, I began to think...60 days? That's nothing. I can do anything for 60 days. And so I decided to jump into it.

I bought a Beach Body Challenge Pack that included Insanity workouts, Shakeology, and an online membership. I never actually used the online membership because in the beginning of May I joined one of Megan's challenge groups. There was something really great about being in that challenge group. I could never motivate myself to stick with something long-term. I owned a great gym membership, but had only every gone sporadically. I think what helped me start this journey was that there was a goal in place - 60 days. Complete the Insanity program in 60 days. And then, having a group of people that I felt accountable to was huge. I felt like if I missed a workout, I wasn't just letting myself down, I was letting other people down.

Well that first day was a fit test. I thought I was going to die. Quite literally. I wanted to vomit and I told Megan I didn't think I could make it. She encouraged me to continue and I did. I finished Insanity and I was surprised that even though I was exhausted and hoped to never touch an Insanity DVD for a very long time, I wanted to keep working out and being active. I took a short break (due to getting the flu and taking care of a very sick baby) and then started doing the first month of Insanity again. After another month, I heard about T-25 (a 25 min Shaun T program) and jumped into another challenge group with Megan. I finished that and then moved on to P90X3 (a 30 min Tony Horton program). Shortly after starting P90X3, I joined a health group with another friend, Natalie Robison. Basically it is a competition where you put money in a pot at the beginning and can win money at the end by getting the most points (earned by making healthy choices such as: staying under your calorie limit, eating fruits and vegetables, drinking 64 oz of water, not eating any refined sugar, getting enough sleep each night, etc.) or by losing the most weight. I didn't win the first round, but chose to do it again because it was giving me great results. I also finished P90X3 and here I am...one year later from when I started this madness. And yet, it's not madness at all. I couldn't be happier.

No one is more stunned by my results than I am. My physical results alone are huge. I have lost 42 lbs, at least 27 inches, and have gone from a large size 14 to a size 6/8. I honestly cannot remember the last time I wore a size 6 in anything.

I'm not gonna lie. It's a bit embarrassing to show these pics. 1) Because I can't believe how big I let myself get, and it's not flattering, and 2) because I'm showing a lot more flesh than I'm used to. ;)

These first pics are at my heaviest and lightest:

These pics are prior to starting Insanity and after completing T-25, but before P90X3. Apparently I never took after photos following completion of that program or my health challenge groups. Oops. But the difference is still noticeable.

What's crazy to me too is that I used to think I was so fat in high school compared to the size 00 to size 2 girls that I knew. A year ago, I would have DIED to be the size I was in high school. And now I passed that up and I'm even smaller! I started by ideally wanting to lose 25-30 lbs. Once I hit that, I was honestly happy. But I kept working out and making healthier choices, which has led me here. People ask me what goal/weight/size is I'm trying to reach. I'm not. I have no goal. I am 100% content HAPPY with where I am. Sure, I could be more toned and have more muscle. But who cares?! I'm healthy! I have never felt so capable in my body as I do now! I feel invigorated and strong and healthy!

I remember feeling as though at the ripe old age of 30 I was feeling old. I could tell my body was aging and was incapable of doing the things I could in my youth, or even my 20s. Psh! What a load of crock! I just wasn't taking care of myself. I didn't realize how I was truly sabotaging my health and the best years of my life by not exercising and by eating like crap. I've learned a lot of lessons about health and food along the way. Maybe I'll save that for another post. But I really am grateful for this huge learning experience.

The most important part of all of this though is not my physical change - it's my heart and my mind. I still don't like that some of my feelings of self-worth are connected to how I feel about how I look. That is a life-long work in progress. However, separate from that I do feel more confident. I feel capable. I feel dedicated. I feel at peace. I feel PROUD. I like who I am and I like that I recognize I am worth the effort to take care of this incredibly ABLE body my Heavenly Father gave me. I could have been born with impairments or disabilities. I could have acquired them through life. Yet I have been blessed with a strong, able, healthy body. Why should I hurt it? Why should I abuse it? Why should I throw it's abilities away? No more. I want these changes to stick for good. So this journey will not end. It's a journey of a lifetime.

Angels & Demons

Today was a polarizing day. It started at 4 am with Owen coming to my room and quietly waking me and asking to snuggle. He joined me in bed (I sent Miles to the guest room so he could get uninterrupted sleep for the remainder of the night) and the wiggling began. Normally I wouldn't allow it, but I knew he was sick and not feeling well. He coughed on and off for at least 30 minutes, and just as he was finally settling down and I was heading back to sleep, Elsie woke up at 5:15 am. (I should mention that last night we put both kids to bed at 6:30 pm because they were hot messes. They both cried non-stop for the previous 30 - 45 min, and we knew they needed their rest. So I suppose it shouldn't be too surprising that both woke early.) Unfortunately for me, it took me a good hour to get her back to sleep. I got about one more hour of sleep before Owen woke me to get up. And thus our day began.

One cute moment of "baby in a box" in the midst of craziness:

Our morning was slow and painful. Both kids were off and cranky. Owen was so sensitive and anything and everything would send him into fits of tears. To shorten the day's recap, I will give the "highlights."

Owen:
- Directly disobeyed me and found and ate treats (by diligently searching) three different times after being told "no treats."
- Spilled a cup of my chocolate shakeology I had given him all over his pants and the blanket his Grammy made for him. This happened because he did not follow the "eat in the kitchen" rule.
- Screamed at his sister (a fairly regular occurrence in our home).
- Took a huge pile of sticky tack and put it in the toilet, prior to pooping and peeing in the toilet.
- Was overall defiant, disobedient, angry, and whiney.

Elsie:
- Scratched Owen's face
- Splashed in the toilet
- Pooped in the tub
- Caused general havoc wherever she went (a fairly regular occurrence in our home)

I sent out numerous SOSs to Miles and my friends seeking some words of wisdom and support to help me get through my day.

My one reprieve was nap time.

Elsie climbed in bed and wanted to be covered up with him. Owen didn't want a picture.

Then when he did want a picture, Elsie was done. You can see Owen's sad, red eyes from crying all day.

It's amazing how sweet they look when they are sleeping. It can make all the other stuff go away...at least until they wake up. ;)

Elsie's awesome "bed head" post nap.

And then something happened. I have no idea what. In the midst of dinner and bath time, Miles had to leave. I was dreading doing bed time by myself after the day we had. Owen wanted to take a bath, but I told him that he couldn't tonight because Elsie had pooped in the tub, but that he could take one tomorrow. I expected him to throw a fit, but he didn't. He asked if he could play and I said yes. He said, "Thanks, Mom!" I was shocked. Not because this is abnormal for Owen, but it was completely unexpected based on his behavior from today.

While the kids played happily, I did some laundry, cleaning and general pick up. They didn't whine or complain, and they played nicely. It was so wonderful to hear "sure, Mom!" when I would ask Owen to help Elsie with something. And to hear Elsie say, "day-do" (thank you) to Owen. When Elsie would come over to play with Owen, he didn't shoo her away or get angry when she messed something up. I couldn't believe that I had a good 45 min+ of happy play time between the two of them.

Then, I told Owen it was time to do some clean up. Both kids helped happily and willingly and were so proud of their accomplishments. When I took Elsie off to bed, they hugged and kissed. Elsie didn't fuss about bed time, and went down easily. Owen was only upset for a brief moment when it was his turn, but quickly changed to a happy, sweet boy. We read from the Book of Mormon and I explained that what we had read was about the atonement. He saw a picture of Jesus and said, "It's Jesus! Why is he sad?" I told him he was sad because he was suffering for our sins and could feel each time we made bad choices. He said, "He doesn't like it when I'm mean to Elsie." I said, "Nope." He said, "He doesn't like it when Elsie scratches my face." I said, "Nope. And he doesn't like it when you don't listen to Mommy. Or when Mommy yells at you, and I'm sorry I got upset with you earlier." He said, while hugging me so tight, "It's ok, Mom! Now Jesus can love you!"

It was such a blessing to end this horrendous day on a beautiful, high note with my kids. Some times days like this make me wonder if it is worth it, or if I am doing things right. And then my children show me their love and innocence and sweetness. Even with it all, I would most definitely do this day again.

Insanity Update

Well, I did it. I finished my 9 weeks of Insanity. It's funny because when I posted before, I hadn't done the second month of "Max Interval" workouts. Sheesh those are hard! It jumps up to an hour workout (from about 35-40 min workouts in the first month) and they are even more intense. But those extra 15-20 min are killer. Talk about dripping in sweat.... I have to say, it's a good thing I was committed to a group so that I would finish. I definitely fought with myself some days about whether or not I would workout. But I did it!

Overall, in the 9 wks of Insanity, I lost 13.5 lbs. and 15+ inches. I know I could have lost more if I had been more committed to the meal plans. I did ok with it, but definitely was not 100% committed. I have found that is actually the harder part for me. Working out just became part of my routine. First thing in the morning, I would do my workout, and that way I didn't have to think about it. I know that if I don't do it right away, there is a very high likelihood it won't happen later. Eating, however, is something you have to constantly think about. Every time you have a meal, attend a party, hang out with friends, go to a restaurant, etc...you have to think about what you are eating, if it is healthy, and avoid the foods you shouldn't eat. And let's be honest...I have a serious sweet tooth. I'm trying to work on that part and just keep things in moderation. In the last couple of weeks I've lost even more. I'm down a total of 20 lbs and 17.5 inches. I know that being sick contributed to that (cold, flu, sinus infection, bronchitis) but I've also been able to keep off most of the "sick weight loss." So I'm sure my improved metabolism is helping.


I'm not sure I'll post my shirtless before and after pictures, but here are some you might be able to see a difference in. Ha ha! Of course my "after" picture is sitting in front of a fatty cazookie! :P


I'm really glad I did this. I'm hopeful that it will just be the start of a healthier, more active lifestyle. I hope that I keep up with it and don't lose all the hard work I put into my body in the last two months. I took a bit of a break since I was so sick the majority of this month, but I'm definitely ready to get back in the swing of things. Bring on the sweat!

Insanity

About a month ago I decided to commit to doing the Insanity 60 day challenge. I figured that I could do anything for 60 days, right? Well, it's been tough! The first day I did a Fit Test to see where I was at with some of the basic exercises that are done in the program. I thought I was going to die. Seriously. I could hardly do some of the moves and kind of wanted to throw up when it was done. Let's just say I was starting from lower than ground zero in terms of exercise. But my coach and friend, Megan Potter, told me to go for it and she thought I could do it.

So here I am. Three and a half weeks into it. I definitely still struggle doing some of the moves (mostly the ones involving push-ups) but already I have seen huge improvements. My form is far better, my stamina is greater, and I don't want to die. Well, at least most days I don't. ;)

The hard part for me is that my patellar tendonitis from my high school volleyball days is acting up. I woke up today with a very achey knee. But I'm still pushing through. I try to listen to my body and go a little easier on moves that would further aggravate my knee, but I'm not giving up.

And you know, even if I don't lose a ton of weight at the end of this, I know that I'm doing something that is good for my body. And while there are days I'd happily pass on my workout, I always feel proud of myself and good about a finished workout.

Sometimes Owen likes to do exercises with me. I love it when he validates me by saying, "It's really hard!" Yes, bud...it is.

But truly, the best thing about doing this. Is the instructor, Shaun T. I was talking to Kerry (who has done the Insanity workouts before) and said, "Sometimes, Shaun T really reminds me of Kyle." She immediately agreed. She said she was so happy that I said that because she had thought the same thing and wondered if it was crazy. We both noticed that his mannerisms and the way he talks is reminiscent of our brother. Kerry said, "I like it when I do Insanity because when I see him I think, 'Hi Kykie!'" After we discussed this, the next day when I was working out I got a little emotional. It was as though it made it that much more real to me that he was like Kyle. It definitely makes it more enjoyable to feel as though I am working out with my long lost brother. :)

Here is a picture of Owen doing some exercises with me:

And one of me dripping after a workout. Insanity causes a serious sweat!

Here's to another 6 weeks of INSANITY!

6th

According to the world wide web, for your 6th anniversary the traditional gift to give is either candy or iron and the modern gift is wood. I was a little unenthused about it until I found this site. There it says, "Candy represents the sweetness in your marriage, iron represents good luck and strength, and wood represents a solid relationship." I thought, I can get on board with that. 

Although I've got to admit I'm looking forward to our 10th (diamonds). ;) I'm sure any of these would do just fine. Or more specifically, this:

Photo via Tiffany & Co.

But alas, I have to pay my dues first. And let's be honest, I'm guessing that ring is not on the shopping list.

Back to reality...This year, Miles was "in charge" of anniversary plans. He decided to forego celebrations on our actual anniversary since it was a Sunday, and push it off to the next weekend (hoping to also avoid the Valentine's craze from the previous weekend). So Sunday morning, we all went to church together. Elsie looked adorable in her little fur-cuffed, winter dress.

For dinner, we decided to do homemade pizzas. We made a pepperoni pizza with olives on half, and a chicken, tomato, pesto pizza. Owen was very excited to help out. He loves helping in the kitchen these days. Both pizzas turned out quite delicious.

After dinner, I gave Miles his presents. I bought him a decorative, wooden, "treasure box" for his desk and filled it with Dove dark chocolate hearts and a chocolate mousse Ritter Sport. I also framed his favorite pictures of Owen and Elsie for his desk/office. I didn't quite get all of the 6th anniversary gifts, but I think it was close enough.

Miles gave me a beautiful love letter with two coupons good for whatever I want. I tested the bounds of this gift and asked if that could be to make me dinner, do the dishes, put Owen to bed, watch a chick flick and give me a back massage. He said, "If that's the package deal you want, then you get it." Hmm...I may have to get creative with these "package deals!"

Our marriage isn't perfect. I don't know of any relationship that is. What's important is that we are working on it. And even when it's hard, there is no giving up. We are in this together. Forever. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

There aren't any pictures of the two of us on our anniversary, but that's ok. I think we can all agree we look much better 6 years ago. So I'll end with some pictures from that wonderful day that forever changed my life for the better.

Krump

I'm going to make a fool of myself by posting this, but that's ok. We were listening to some music on Pandora (I don't recall what) and Owen wanted to dance with me. I told him I would teach him how to krump. If you don't know what krumping is, there are some great videos on Youtube. And I'm sure you'll see that my form is 100% technically accurate. ;) Anyway, I told Owen it required big movements. We may have also been making some guttural sounds while krumping. The pictures are blurry, but I love all his stances and movements.

And this final picture is great for showing his stank-face.

SYTYCD - watch out. We have a dancer in the making! (That is, if I don't ruin his form, technique, and any rhythm he may have miraculously been born with....)

Year in Review

Here is a quick overview of our family's 2012:

January: Completed an IVF cycle that was miraculously covered 100% by our insurance (minus the deductible) in hopes of getting pregnant
February: Flew to CA to celebrate my parents' 50th wedding anniversary; Celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary starting with an ultrasound to hear our baby's heartbeat and an overnight stay at a B&B in SLC
March: Owen got his first haircut; Enjoyed the warming weather with trips to the park and duck ponds
April: Owen and I flew to Minnesota to visit my college roommate, Shara and her family, and my brother, Keven and his family; Found out we were expecting a little girl; Owen turned two
May: I went to San Diego for a girl's weekend getaway with some college friends; I was put on bedrest due to placenta previa
June: I was taken off bedrest (yay!); We had a mini Van de Wetering family reunion in SLC (minus Keven and family, who were greatly missed)
July: Went to Blanding, UT for a Wright family reunion over the 4th of July; Miles started working 80+ hours/week to accommodate his side work
August: Lots of summer fun before the baby arrived with trips to Thanksgiving Point, the park, 7 peaks, and the pool; Had a baby shower thrown by my sister; Miles and I went on a "babymoon" to the Zermatt Resort in Midway
September: Went to the zoo; Spent a lot of time with Miles' parents who were in town; Prepared for the baby and were surprised by Elsie's arrival 10 days early on the last day of the month
October: My Mom came to stay for three weeks to help out with Elsie and Owen; Elsie's baby blessing
November: Still adjusting to life with two; Spent Thanksgiving day/weekend with Kerry and family, and Kim and Austin who flew out to meet Elsie; Enjoyed some extra help around the house while Miles's sister, Megan, stayed with us for a week
December: Celebrated Christmas by decorating a gingerbread house, a visit to Santa, looking at Christmas lights, and an extended trip to AZ to be with the Wright family

It's been a busy, fun, blessed year. We can't wait to see what 2013 holds for us!

Christmas Card 2012

Another year has quickly flown by and yet again, we have been immensely blessed.

Miles has been working very hard to grow his personal business by building up his clientele and putting in extra hours before and after his day job. He's hoping to one day be able to solely work for himself and is getting closer to making that dream come true. In his free time, he also works very hard to grow his beard, and shaves as little as possible throughout the year. He currently has a formidable “Christmas Beard” growing, which can be seen here: loganmolyneux.com/blog/christmas-beard

I (Kendra) spent the majority of this year growing a baby. During that time, I tried my hand at sewing a skirt for myself, and a quilt for Elsie. I can see this becoming a new love of mine. I also enjoy reading, blogging, and cooking (although I had a lot more time for all of that prior to Elsie being born). But most of all, I love being a mom and feel so blessed to spend my days and nights with both of my children. I never could have anticipated the joy I would have in raising my children.

Owen (2 1/2 yrs) has grown up so much over the past year. His language has exploded as well as his skills. He's on his way to counting to 100 and knows his ABCs. He loves to sing and knows at least 10 different songs including I Am a Child of God, Annie's Song, You Are My Sunshine, and Daddy's Homecoming. He enjoys making them his own by singing in a fast, low, growl. He also loves to read and has many of his favorite books memorized and will "read" them to Mommy and Daddy. We are constantly amazed at what a sponge he is and how much he picks up. Most enjoyably, he is a silly, goofy, fun, little boy. He loves to jump and can often be found (and heard) bouncing for hours in his crib during "nap" time, or on his trampoline. He makes us laugh daily and is a bright light in our lives.

Elsie (2 1/2 mo) most enjoys eating and sleeping. However, in the past month she has added smiling, cooing, and sucking on her hands. She is often found with a bib around her neck to catch the spit up caused by her reflux. She tolerates her brother's boisterous outbursts and loves his sweet hugs, pats and kisses. She is happiest in the morning and loves to see a smiling face. She also loves to be held and will fall fast asleep with the jostling bounces of a walking gait. She is an angel and brings a sweet spirit to our home.

We are so grateful for the wonderful year we have had. As we welcomed a miracle into our lives this year, we also recognize the miracle of our Savior's birth, whose life made it possible for us to experience such joy. We hope that this New Year will bring happiness and prosperity to you - our family, friends and loved ones. And we hope you will all feel the love of Jesus Christ in your homes and hearts this season and always.

With love,

The Wright Family